As developers, we've worked on many projects. Some of them were managed well, some of them were not. Let's talk about the latter case... in a sarcastic way! But make no mistake - the point of this article is not just to have a laugh, but also to learn from the mistakes we've seen.
6 (sarcastic) tips on how to manage a project
Don't plan ahead
Planning is for losers. Just have your team start coding and see where it goes. Don't think about the future, don't think about the big picture. Just do what you feel like doing at the moment. And if you change your mind, just tell coders to delete everything they did yesterday and start over. They're gonna love it!
Make decisions based on your gut feeling
Who needs data, research, analysis? Nobody. Consulting with developers, clients, or anyone else is a waste of time. Just make decisions based on your gut feeling. It's the best way to go. And if you're not sure, just flip a coin. It's gonna be fun!
Avoid wasting time on communication
Communication is overrated. Just let everyone do their thing. Don't ask them how they're doing, don't ask them if they need help. Don't ask them if they understand what they're supposed to do. Just let them be. They're gonna figure it out. Or not. Who cares? Oh, and make sure your coders don't talk to each other. They should just focus on spitting out as much code as possible!
Focus on speed of development
Speed is everything. Don't worry about quality. Don't worry about maintainability. Don't worry about scalability. Just focus on speed. The faster, the better. And if you need to cut corners, do it. Nobody's gonna notice. And if they do, who cares?
Don't test too much
Testing is a really bad idea. If you test your software tested too much, you're going to find bugs. And then you're gonna have to fix them. This could take a lot of time... and time is money. So it's best to avoid testing as much as possible. Just assume your software works. And if it doesn't, let your clients do the testing. That's what they're for, right?
Nobody needs documentation
Creating a documentation is a waste of time. Nobody's gonna read it anyway. A new team member can just ask around if they don't understand something. Clients can just contact your company if they have questions. And when they do that, you can charge them for your company's time. It's a win-win!
Summary
They way a project is managed has a huge impact on its success. That's why it's important to learn from mistakes. If you want to fail, follow the above sarcastic tips. If you want to succeed, do the opposite. Of course it's easier said than done, but it's worth it.